And Now, A Guest Entry From Newt Gingrich...

Hello America.  I'm Newton Leroy Gingrich.  Former Speaker Of The House.  Republican Presidential candidate.  Savior of civilization.  I am here today to re-introduce myself because, quite frankly,  I think you've forgotten about me, and who I really am.  See, I honestly believe that throughout my personal life and political career, I have left little to no doubt about the true nature of my character.  Who I am.  What I do.  What I really believe in.  Unfortunately, politics are a dirty business and as such, a lot of distortions, mischaracterizations and flat out lies have been disseminated about my person, and I am here to set that record straight.  So, without further ado, allow me to refresh your memory regarding who Newt Gingrich really is, straight from the source.

I'm an asshole, my fellow Americans. I am a huge, insufferable dick.

Quite frankly, I'm amazed that you forgot.  I've done a lot of shitty, questionable things in my life, to the extent that a lot of people consider me a sociopath.  Let's see, where do I even start? - I cheated on my first two wives.  That one always comes up.  Hell, I divorced my first wife while she was sick with cancer!  Pretty shitty, huh?  It gets better.  Throughout the Clinton impeachment, while I was persecuting Bill, being all publicly outraged and trying to unseat him over the Lewinsky affair…I was doing some fucking around of my own with one of my staffers!  Can.  You.  Get.  Any.  Shittier?

While yes I can!  I'm Newt fucking Gingrich!

I was also the first Speaker of the House to have to resign due to ethics violations.  I paid a $300,000 fine and regardless of what I may say, I resigned in disgrace, ousted by my own party.  I was so reviled, the House voted 395-28 to reprimand me!  Hell, if the House had to vote on whether they should get the clap or not, I bet at least 50 people would vote for it, just to see if they'd get it from a hot chick.  That's how shitty I was.

Slightly more popular?  Chlamydia trachomatis.

By the end of my speakership, people thought so poorly of me that it was widely believed that I shut down the government because I didn't get a good enough seat on Air Force One!  To be honest, I don't know the extent of my own dickishness, so I'm not sure if this is true.  But yeah, probably.

Yeah, I wouldn't put it past me.

America, I am, by all accounts, kind of a bad person.  So, why am I compelled to all of a sudden remind you of this?

Because some of you out there, either out of spite, gullibility, or both, think that I should still be President of the United States.  South Carolina, I'm look right fucking at you.  Seriously, let me break it down for you, why this is a bad fucking idea, OK?  First of all, let's be practical here:  I probably can't win.  I don't have the money, the organization, or the appeal to win the nomination, let alone a general election.  That Mormon asshole just handed me my fat ass in Florida, and I promised them a fucking lunar colony!  Nevada, Michigan and Massachusetts are not looking too good either so I'm sure that any day now, the GOP brass is going to start pressuring me to drop out.  Be a good sport, they'll say, for the sake of party unity.  Well fuck that!  I'm riding this all the way to the convention, I don't care if it splinters the party and effectively hands the black guy his second term.  I'm Newt fucking Gingrich!  My name literally means "toad" but I'm the fucking scorpion in this fairy tale!

You like that?  Just came up with it myself.

Don't let my half-assed mea culpas or disingenuous cries of foul play over negative campaigning fool you.  This is what I do.  I'm a cynical bastard.  I have no discernible values other than an insatiable lust for power and influence.  I don't understand why this is so hard, particularly for "family values" people to see.  It still makes me laugh that all I have to do to get the Jesus freaks to like me is pay them some lip service, hate on the queers a little bit, and sign a politically expedient albeit completely arbitrary family values "contract", promising not to cheat on my current wife, appointing me as some kind of "stewart" of marriage!  Me!  A twice-divorced serial adulterer!

Even if I could keep little Newt in my pants, I've had three religious denominations in my lifetime.  THREE!  I've had as many religions as I've had wives!  That's how little religious faith actually means to me; I can just switch it around whenever I feel like it.  And you know what's funny?  That hasn't even come up in the campaign!

Now, liberals like to say that I'm a "racist" because I've said a racially insensitive thing or two here and there, but let me clear that up for you.  I'm not a racist.  I'm a misanthrope.  I fucking hate everybody.  I only really love me, and even then, there are some days where I go "man, I kind of fucking suck" which is why I occasionally apologize for being such an ass.

To be honest though, while I was reading this, all I could think about was brown pussy and tacos.

See, America, my entire presidential campaign is based on dishonesty.  I'm like the guy who got fired from his job for really sucking at it, but is now back asking for a promotion.  Do I need to remind you that at the beginning of this campaign, my entire staff quit?  How was that not a red flag?  I am currently running as a "Washington outsider" but I was Speaker of the House!  I was the architect of the Republican super-majority of the 90s.  I am fucking Washington!  I even have the balls to tell you that I am technically not a lobbyist, even though I was a consultant for Freddie Mac, on their payroll, influencing policy.  Attack politics?  I wrote the manual on that shit, so it's hilarious for me to complain about it when they're used on me.  I thrive by preying on your fears, insecurities and prejudices.  This is why my only hope for victory is that you hate Mormons to the point where you can look past my sleaziness and hypocrisy.  In short, I'm the smarmy politician that does well by appealing to the worst in human nature, which is why I just need to go the fuck away.

Damn, even Rush Limbaugh asked me to cool it.  I made Rush Limbaugh sound reasonable.  Take a minute to soak that in.  Even my so-called "supporters" know that the main reason to vote for me is to stick it to the libs!  I am that much of a dick.

Gee.  Thanks for nothing, sugar tits.

Okay, America.  This is getting kind of long, but I am a windbag, and I want to make sure you get the point.  See, the viability of my candidacy is a shameful reflection of a team-sports political consciousness, in which it is perfectly OK to vote for a bitter old dickhead like me, who brings absolutely nothing of value to the table, as long as the party wins.  I'm not just a shitty candidate; I'm also a shitty human being.  You know this; it's how I've always been.  Don't expect me to be civilized or sensible, because that's not just me.  I'll sink the party; hell, I'll sink the whole fucking country to get my way - my hugely overblown sense of entitlement is that big!  I'm going to press on, trolling Romney just because I can and the truth is, with all of my dickish behavior over the past two decades, if you genuinely believe that I'm the absolute best choice for President, you're probably an asshole too.

So, my fellow Americans, let this be a reminder that I am indeed a dick, so please don't be surprised or outraged if I act accordingly.  You know how when you first read that I was running for President, a lot of you said "you gotta be fucking kidding me?"  Yup.  Should have left it that way.  You validated my aspirations with a primary win, and even though I'm running on pure ego right now, I've still got the potential to fuck it up for everybody.  And I probably will!

Love,

Newt.

2011 - The Year Of The Troll

If you ask me, 2011 belonged to the Troll.  The instigator.  One who deliberately stirs shit with others either for attention, or for kicks.  "Trolling" - the act of being a dick just because you can - is primarily reserved for describing Internet message board motherfuckery, but I find it to be rather useful for also summarizing the state of our cultural and political zeitgeist.  Without a doubt, life has always been full of insufferable pricks, but I can't remember a time when so many trolls occupied so many different positions of prominence, filling our political landscape with a weapons-grade amount of cognitive dissonance and plain ole' bullshit.

This is a list of my favorite trolls of 2011.

"I'm...fucked"

Rod Blagojevich:  After getting caught on tape trying to sell Obama's vacated Senate seat not only did he have the balls to maintain his innocence, evidence be damned, he even aspired to be some kind of Reality TV star in an incredibly misguided attempt to vindicate his image.  As a matter of fact, the guy had a very cavalier, who-gives-a-shit attitude towards his whole indictment. Karma is a vengeful bitch, however, and Blago got slammed with 14 years in federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison for corruption charges, his begging for clemency the only time he exhibited any kind of humility during the whole thing.

Jon Kyl:  The Arizona Senator is the unwitting author of what is perhaps the year's greatest Twitter hash tag - #notintendedtobeafactualstatement.  Making a ridiculous claim about Planned Parenthood on the Senate floor no less, only to have your staff recant your gaffe by saying you were basically just fucking around?  Trolltastic!  And did I mention this was during a vote on Planned Parenthood funding?  I sure hope this kind of distortion didn't cost anybody their jobs.

Anthony Weiner:  Penis.  Sending unsolicited pictures of your dong, pitching tent, to random women on Twitter is already a dick move, but when your last name is actually "Weiner", you have a pregnant wife, and you're a sitting US Congressman, then that makes you one of the year's greatest cocks.  Penis.  Bonus points for not only denying the whole thing by basically stating you don't know what your dick looks like, and generally just being a dick, but also for publicly apologizing to professional troll and faux-outrage Svengali, Andrew Breitbart.  Penis.

John Edwards:  Cheating on your wife makes you a complete asshole.  Cheating on your wife while she is battling cancer, knocking up your mistress in the process and coercing one of your aides to cover your ass by having him say it's actually his baby, all when you're running for the Presidency, is firmly in "sociopath" territory.  The disgraced Democrat kept a low profile during 2011, except to refuse to stand trial for perjury charges by citing an "undisclosed medical condition".  It's not much by itself, but it reminded me of his absolutely epic trolling, so in my opinion, he absolutely deserves a retroactive spot.

"Oh hey guys!  What's going on?"

Kim Kardashian:  If you ask me, this entire family is trolling, but Kim deserves the salient nod.  She famously pocketed millions by whoring out her wedding to sponsors, only to file for divorce 72 days later and sending every Star Magazine reader into a hilarious, Twinkie-fueled catatonic rage, though I guess it could just be diabetic comma.  At least her joke-of-a-marriage provided equality supporters with eloquently beautiful arguments for their cause.

AAGGHHH!!!

Lindsay Lohan:  Lots of people break the law for kicks, but Lindsay has made that shit an art form, as she once again spent more time in court than at a movie studio.  She could literally go on a cocaine bender, get in her luxury SUV with a dead hooker in the trunk, and mow down a group of handicapped children taking sick puppies to the vet, and she'd still avoid jail due to "overcrowding".  And what's even more pathetic than her endless supply of free passes from Johnny Law?  Her laughable attempts to pretend she still has a career.  That, and her meth teeth.

Trolled ya, bitches!

Herman Cain:  Man, when was Black Chocolate Walnut NOT trolling?  By now, is there any doubt that his amateurishly ran campaign was more of a shameless plug for the "Cain Brand" rather than a serious presidential bid?  Sexual harassment accusations?  Look at all the women I didn't harass!  Foreign policy?  I don't know shit, but it's all good!  Serious concession speech?  How about some quotes from the Pokemon movie?  Hats off to Hermie.  His idiosyncratic ridiculousness is sorely missed.

Debate Audiences:  Cheering on Rick Perry's shockingly high record of executions in TX that could have included innocent people.  Booing gay soldiers.  Calling for a hypothetically ailing uninsured patient to "let him die".  Where the fuck do you find these people, so that I never, ever go there?

Took the money.  Didn't run.

Sarah Palin:   No troll list is complete without the Momma Grizzly's antics, and though her highly publicized bus tour was pretty troll-e-rrific, none was worse than the stunt her PAC pulled off for monetary donations.  Over the summer, SarahPAC sent out a letter to her supporters stating that while she was still deciding on a presidential bid, their contributions were needed as a sign of encouragement for her to run.  The thing is, a few weeks prior, Bristol Palin had stated on FOX News that the family was already aware of her decision but some things were "best kept in the family".  Basically, Sarah Palin knew all along that she wasn't going to run, but capitalized on the hype around her "indecision" by asking for donations for a presidential campaign that she never intended to launch anyway!  Damn.  I'd call it a brilliant troll but when it comes to Sarah Palin, you're sort of grading on a curve.

He should just run as an Oompa Loompa.

Donald Trump:   Considering that lately the guy hasn't edified anything more famous than his enormous ego, Trump's most remarkable accomplishment seems to be coating himself with the same kind of "asshole Teflon" as Charlie Sheen.  Meaning, no matter how ridiculous the publicity stunt, it doesn't reflect negatively on the guy because you have come to expect it.

This isn't the first time Trump has stirred up controversy by hinting at a presidential run; he's flirted with the notion as a Democrat, a Republican and now an Independent.  What is notable is how much of a troll he was about it.  For one, he played some weird sort of populist angle, even though here's a guy that probably has his unicorn steaks hand-cut and delivered by Miss Universe contestants.  He also trumped (ha!) his business acumen as qualification for office, except for the fact that he inherited his wealth and his business endeavors are marred by a string of bankruptcies. Worst of all, he happily engaged in birtherism; a position that even crazy-ass Michelle Bachmann was reluctant to take up in her campaign.  He made Michelle Bachmann look reasonable.  Now THAT'S trolling.

Of course, nothing is better than trolling a troll, and in Trump's case, Schadenfreude was a dish best served at the White House Correspondent's dinner, which he attended as a guest of the Washington Post.  Somewhere on earth, there is a guy getting a combination root canal/enema having a better time than Trump did at that dinner.  Furthermore, the very next evening, Obama interrupted the season finale of The Apprentice (the show Trump was probably plugging with his ridiculous half-bid) with the announcement of the death of Bin Laden.  Epic.

Trump did kindly STFU for a few months, but he's recently resurfaced to attempt to host a presidential debate that even Ron Paul  - the guy who debates Obama impersonators - was too dignified to attend, and to announce he wants to run as an Independent,  proving you just can't keep a good troll down.

AND Speaking of Michelle Bachmann...

...Troll Of The Year goes to...

How's this for trolling?  A newspaper actually printed this.

Michelle Bachmann:  No other high-profile politician has as tumultuous of a relationship with the truth as Michelle Bachmann.  She has proved that in the fighting ring of politics, she is more of an enraged street brawler, flailing wildly when backed into a corner, hoping that something connects, rather than an actual trained fighter.  She is either incredibly cynical (therefore willing to say whatever) and highly undisciplined, or just plain fucking nuts.  I honestly cannot think of more suitable explanations for her seemingly complete disconnect from reality.

Yes, I'm going to take the lazy way out and post a Google search link because she's said everything from claiming that the HPV vaccine causes mental retardation to stating that carbon dioxide is not a harmful gas and China is "blinding our satellites with lasers."  No, seriously.  The amount of crazy shit that comes out of this woman's mouth is un-fucking-believable. And she sits on the House Intelligence Committee.  Intelligence.  Feel free to weep for our Nation.

Even as her campaign was completely imploding and her history of gaffes was incredibly well documented, she had the proverbial balls to claim she's "never had a gaffe" and was experiencing a "groundswell of support", neither of which was even remotely close to the truth.  I suspected she would do poorly in Iowa, and any campaigning she would have done after that would have been just plain embarrassing, but here goes to you, Michelle Bachmann, my personal pick for troll of 2011.

Reasons Why Tupac Shakur Makes A Good Republican Candidate

To be honest, I feel slightly dishonest by only picking on Republicans so far  Not that anybody cares; I'm just another asshole semi-political blogger, but I like to consider myself an independently-minded person so it does trouble me a bit to solely dispense criticism on the Right Wing in my entries.

But man, they make it really, really difficult not to.  Their presidential primary is a veritable, poop-flinging freak show.  If memory serves correctly, the race started out with Palin as the presumed front-runner, but she cashed in on the hype and didn't even run.  Then, fellow attention whore Donald Trump did a little bit of trolling and the media pretended it was somehow a good idea, before realizing the Presidency is actually serious fucking business and casting him aside like a bad toupee.  Moving on to Michelle Bachmann jumping ahead after the Iowa straw poll but derping her way to the bottom.  After that, Rick Perry was the anointed savior but he's basically George W. Bush with half the brains AND twice the asshole, so he also buckled.  He was followed by Herman Cain, who rose quickly (pun intended) only to crush his momentum seemingly with the weight of his penis.  And who's driving the crazy train now?  The also monogamously challenged Newt Gingrich; ousted former Speaker Of The House and a living, breathing dickheaded Pillsbury Doughboy. 

Man.  I bet Romney's pissed.

Though even his "I want to stab you in the neck" face is milquetoast

But anyway, I did say I felt badly for only criticizing the GOP, so I am here to actually offer a solution to their candidacy woes.  A new perspective, if you will.  The problem, Republicans, is that you guys are searching for candidates in all the usual places, when you need something new.  You need someone that stands for all of the things you support - love of God, small government, low taxes, a strong military - while simultaneously offering a new perspective, to get the young whippersnappers all riled up again.  Luckily, I can think of one such person.

What you need my friends, is someone like Tupac Shakur.

"9-9-9?  Nigga, fuck dat!  My economic plan is 'fuck bitches, get MONEY!'"

Now I know you might be wondering how a dead gangsta rapper is somehow a suitable candidate for the Republican presidential primary, but stick with me because it actually makes sense.  Tupac was, in actuality, a very strong conservative.  How, you may ask?  Look no further than the man's work.

Take for example, the song "Only God Can Judge Me", which contains multiple references to 'Pac's steadfast conservatism.  The opening line (only God can judge me.  Nobody else.  All you other mo'fuckaz get out my business) is not only a declaration of his belief in the Almighty, which appeals to evangelicals; it is also a libertarian motto.  A cry for Big Government, motherfuckers, and similar entities to stay out his business.  Tupac also dissuades any concerns about his black militarism with the line and they say it's the white man I should fear, but it's my own kind doing all the killing here.  See?  'Pac ain't mad at 'cha!!  Sure, he was raised by the Black Panthers, but Rick Perry was a front-runner...and he was actually a Democrat!!  Nobody's perfect.

"But, he was in show business, which is full of Liberals!"  Yes, but Tupac had a contemptuous relationship with the media; and we all know how much you guys hate that lamestream liberal media.  Take this line, also from the same song:  recollect your thoughts, don't get caught up in the mix 'cause the media is full of dirty tricks.  'Pac feels your pain!!  He's on your side!!  Still not convinced?  Here's a clip of Tupac showing you how he really feels about that dirty, liberal lamestream media.

"But, he prided himself in being a thug!  An outlaw!"  Sure did.  Look, I know he was pretty crazy, so holding some reserve about his character is reasonable.  He was an outlaw.  A rogue.  A maverick.  Rogue…maverick...man, that sure sounds familiar, but surely, nobody's ran for higher office by admitting a predisposition to go bat-shit crazy, and passing it off as a good thing, right?

Surely...

I know, you still have your doubts, but you guys claim to be the party of individual freedoms, and there was no greater ally to those than Tupac.  He was a famous supporter of the Second Amendment (sure loved his guns) in addition to being a steadfast capitalist; a vocal believer in the wisdom of the Free Market.  In his song "Bury Me A G", Tupac regales us in the chorus with the personal sacrifices he's made to ensure his economic success, like a true captain of industry: I ain't got time for bitches, gotta keep my mind on my mothafuckin' riches.

Still not convinced?  Tupac was even a job creator.  During the height of his success, he started a rap group called Outlaw Immortalz, comprised of himself and other lesser-known artists, whom he frequently featured in his own records.  See, in the Rap world, once you get rich, you take your boys with you - it's trickle-down economics at work!!  Why, Sir Reagan would be proud!

"See nigga?  I'm job creatin' - now lower my mothafuckin' taxes!"

For the most hawkish in the party of Lincoln, Tupac made it known that he was also strong on defense.  Take for instance, his track "Troublesome '96":  A born leada, never  leave the block without my heata.  Got me a dog,  named her my bitch-nigga-eata.  What could they do to me,  you little brat.  Shit, them niggas shot me and still terrified, I'll get their ass.  Definitely no defense budget cuts under President Makiavelli. 

"But he went to jail on sexual assault charges!"  OK, he did.  His culpability was always a matter of debate though.  It is possible that he was guilty, considering the misogyny of his lyrics and how boastful he was of his sexual bravado (another conservative plus - Tupac?  Not a homo), but it is also possible that he was set up due to his fame and fortune.  The point is, it's fairly reasonable to say that culpability aside, Tupac was convicted on mainly circumstantial evidence, exacerbated by his notoriety at the time.

Now take for instance, Herman Cain.  Here's a man that was accused repeatedly of sexual harassment and forced to admit two of those accusations were awarded financial settlements.  On top of that, it was also revealed that he may have had a thirteen-year extramarital affair; his alleged mistress actually releasing some fairly direct evidence of this.  At this point, any reasonable person would conclude that Herman had more than likely been up to some shit, and yet, this didn't stop a number of his most feverish followers from continuing to support him.  Hell, look at Newt Gingrich; a thrice-married, serial adulterer, now front-runner for the top ticket in the party of "family values."  Shit, he even signed a pledge making him some kind of "steward of marriage."  My point is, such is the nature of partisan lunacy.  It is accompanied by a healthy dose of denial.

So, to sum it up, my point is, this is why it's dangerous for any political party to put such a premium on ideological purity: because any cynical opportunist, any charlatan, any crazy asshole or just plain power-hungry sociopath can and will get far solely by saying all the right things, and many people that are wholly unfit for office can easily justify their presence solely by regurgitating talking points ad nauseam.  Politics are bad enough about this already without adding ridiculously unattainable standards of ideological purity.

I obviously do not really believe Tupac would have been a good President because a.) he's fucking dead and b.) he was a good rapper, nothing else.  The argument is, ideological purity can be found in anyone, if you tailor the angles correctly.  It's a recipe for en masse manipulation.

See this?  That's the face of a true Conservative.