Reasons Why Tupac Shakur Makes A Good Republican Candidate

To be honest, I feel slightly dishonest by only picking on Republicans so far  Not that anybody cares; I'm just another asshole semi-political blogger, but I like to consider myself an independently-minded person so it does trouble me a bit to solely dispense criticism on the Right Wing in my entries.

But man, they make it really, really difficult not to.  Their presidential primary is a veritable, poop-flinging freak show.  If memory serves correctly, the race started out with Palin as the presumed front-runner, but she cashed in on the hype and didn't even run.  Then, fellow attention whore Donald Trump did a little bit of trolling and the media pretended it was somehow a good idea, before realizing the Presidency is actually serious fucking business and casting him aside like a bad toupee.  Moving on to Michelle Bachmann jumping ahead after the Iowa straw poll but derping her way to the bottom.  After that, Rick Perry was the anointed savior but he's basically George W. Bush with half the brains AND twice the asshole, so he also buckled.  He was followed by Herman Cain, who rose quickly (pun intended) only to crush his momentum seemingly with the weight of his penis.  And who's driving the crazy train now?  The also monogamously challenged Newt Gingrich; ousted former Speaker Of The House and a living, breathing dickheaded Pillsbury Doughboy. 

Man.  I bet Romney's pissed.

Though even his "I want to stab you in the neck" face is milquetoast

But anyway, I did say I felt badly for only criticizing the GOP, so I am here to actually offer a solution to their candidacy woes.  A new perspective, if you will.  The problem, Republicans, is that you guys are searching for candidates in all the usual places, when you need something new.  You need someone that stands for all of the things you support - love of God, small government, low taxes, a strong military - while simultaneously offering a new perspective, to get the young whippersnappers all riled up again.  Luckily, I can think of one such person.

What you need my friends, is someone like Tupac Shakur.

"9-9-9?  Nigga, fuck dat!  My economic plan is 'fuck bitches, get MONEY!'"

Now I know you might be wondering how a dead gangsta rapper is somehow a suitable candidate for the Republican presidential primary, but stick with me because it actually makes sense.  Tupac was, in actuality, a very strong conservative.  How, you may ask?  Look no further than the man's work.

Take for example, the song "Only God Can Judge Me", which contains multiple references to 'Pac's steadfast conservatism.  The opening line (only God can judge me.  Nobody else.  All you other mo'fuckaz get out my business) is not only a declaration of his belief in the Almighty, which appeals to evangelicals; it is also a libertarian motto.  A cry for Big Government, motherfuckers, and similar entities to stay out his business.  Tupac also dissuades any concerns about his black militarism with the line and they say it's the white man I should fear, but it's my own kind doing all the killing here.  See?  'Pac ain't mad at 'cha!!  Sure, he was raised by the Black Panthers, but Rick Perry was a front-runner...and he was actually a Democrat!!  Nobody's perfect.

"But, he was in show business, which is full of Liberals!"  Yes, but Tupac had a contemptuous relationship with the media; and we all know how much you guys hate that lamestream liberal media.  Take this line, also from the same song:  recollect your thoughts, don't get caught up in the mix 'cause the media is full of dirty tricks.  'Pac feels your pain!!  He's on your side!!  Still not convinced?  Here's a clip of Tupac showing you how he really feels about that dirty, liberal lamestream media.

"But, he prided himself in being a thug!  An outlaw!"  Sure did.  Look, I know he was pretty crazy, so holding some reserve about his character is reasonable.  He was an outlaw.  A rogue.  A maverick.  Rogue…maverick...man, that sure sounds familiar, but surely, nobody's ran for higher office by admitting a predisposition to go bat-shit crazy, and passing it off as a good thing, right?

Surely...

I know, you still have your doubts, but you guys claim to be the party of individual freedoms, and there was no greater ally to those than Tupac.  He was a famous supporter of the Second Amendment (sure loved his guns) in addition to being a steadfast capitalist; a vocal believer in the wisdom of the Free Market.  In his song "Bury Me A G", Tupac regales us in the chorus with the personal sacrifices he's made to ensure his economic success, like a true captain of industry: I ain't got time for bitches, gotta keep my mind on my mothafuckin' riches.

Still not convinced?  Tupac was even a job creator.  During the height of his success, he started a rap group called Outlaw Immortalz, comprised of himself and other lesser-known artists, whom he frequently featured in his own records.  See, in the Rap world, once you get rich, you take your boys with you - it's trickle-down economics at work!!  Why, Sir Reagan would be proud!

"See nigga?  I'm job creatin' - now lower my mothafuckin' taxes!"

For the most hawkish in the party of Lincoln, Tupac made it known that he was also strong on defense.  Take for instance, his track "Troublesome '96":  A born leada, never  leave the block without my heata.  Got me a dog,  named her my bitch-nigga-eata.  What could they do to me,  you little brat.  Shit, them niggas shot me and still terrified, I'll get their ass.  Definitely no defense budget cuts under President Makiavelli. 

"But he went to jail on sexual assault charges!"  OK, he did.  His culpability was always a matter of debate though.  It is possible that he was guilty, considering the misogyny of his lyrics and how boastful he was of his sexual bravado (another conservative plus - Tupac?  Not a homo), but it is also possible that he was set up due to his fame and fortune.  The point is, it's fairly reasonable to say that culpability aside, Tupac was convicted on mainly circumstantial evidence, exacerbated by his notoriety at the time.

Now take for instance, Herman Cain.  Here's a man that was accused repeatedly of sexual harassment and forced to admit two of those accusations were awarded financial settlements.  On top of that, it was also revealed that he may have had a thirteen-year extramarital affair; his alleged mistress actually releasing some fairly direct evidence of this.  At this point, any reasonable person would conclude that Herman had more than likely been up to some shit, and yet, this didn't stop a number of his most feverish followers from continuing to support him.  Hell, look at Newt Gingrich; a thrice-married, serial adulterer, now front-runner for the top ticket in the party of "family values."  Shit, he even signed a pledge making him some kind of "steward of marriage."  My point is, such is the nature of partisan lunacy.  It is accompanied by a healthy dose of denial.

So, to sum it up, my point is, this is why it's dangerous for any political party to put such a premium on ideological purity: because any cynical opportunist, any charlatan, any crazy asshole or just plain power-hungry sociopath can and will get far solely by saying all the right things, and many people that are wholly unfit for office can easily justify their presence solely by regurgitating talking points ad nauseam.  Politics are bad enough about this already without adding ridiculously unattainable standards of ideological purity.

I obviously do not really believe Tupac would have been a good President because a.) he's fucking dead and b.) he was a good rapper, nothing else.  The argument is, ideological purity can be found in anyone, if you tailor the angles correctly.  It's a recipe for en masse manipulation.

See this?  That's the face of a true Conservative.