Reasons Why Tupac Shakur Makes A Good Republican Candidate

To be honest, I feel slightly dishonest by only picking on Republicans so far  Not that anybody cares; I'm just another asshole semi-political blogger, but I like to consider myself an independently-minded person so it does trouble me a bit to solely dispense criticism on the Right Wing in my entries.

But man, they make it really, really difficult not to.  Their presidential primary is a veritable, poop-flinging freak show.  If memory serves correctly, the race started out with Palin as the presumed front-runner, but she cashed in on the hype and didn't even run.  Then, fellow attention whore Donald Trump did a little bit of trolling and the media pretended it was somehow a good idea, before realizing the Presidency is actually serious fucking business and casting him aside like a bad toupee.  Moving on to Michelle Bachmann jumping ahead after the Iowa straw poll but derping her way to the bottom.  After that, Rick Perry was the anointed savior but he's basically George W. Bush with half the brains AND twice the asshole, so he also buckled.  He was followed by Herman Cain, who rose quickly (pun intended) only to crush his momentum seemingly with the weight of his penis.  And who's driving the crazy train now?  The also monogamously challenged Newt Gingrich; ousted former Speaker Of The House and a living, breathing dickheaded Pillsbury Doughboy. 

Man.  I bet Romney's pissed.

Though even his "I want to stab you in the neck" face is milquetoast

But anyway, I did say I felt badly for only criticizing the GOP, so I am here to actually offer a solution to their candidacy woes.  A new perspective, if you will.  The problem, Republicans, is that you guys are searching for candidates in all the usual places, when you need something new.  You need someone that stands for all of the things you support - love of God, small government, low taxes, a strong military - while simultaneously offering a new perspective, to get the young whippersnappers all riled up again.  Luckily, I can think of one such person.

What you need my friends, is someone like Tupac Shakur.

"9-9-9?  Nigga, fuck dat!  My economic plan is 'fuck bitches, get MONEY!'"

Now I know you might be wondering how a dead gangsta rapper is somehow a suitable candidate for the Republican presidential primary, but stick with me because it actually makes sense.  Tupac was, in actuality, a very strong conservative.  How, you may ask?  Look no further than the man's work.

Take for example, the song "Only God Can Judge Me", which contains multiple references to 'Pac's steadfast conservatism.  The opening line (only God can judge me.  Nobody else.  All you other mo'fuckaz get out my business) is not only a declaration of his belief in the Almighty, which appeals to evangelicals; it is also a libertarian motto.  A cry for Big Government, motherfuckers, and similar entities to stay out his business.  Tupac also dissuades any concerns about his black militarism with the line and they say it's the white man I should fear, but it's my own kind doing all the killing here.  See?  'Pac ain't mad at 'cha!!  Sure, he was raised by the Black Panthers, but Rick Perry was a front-runner...and he was actually a Democrat!!  Nobody's perfect.

"But, he was in show business, which is full of Liberals!"  Yes, but Tupac had a contemptuous relationship with the media; and we all know how much you guys hate that lamestream liberal media.  Take this line, also from the same song:  recollect your thoughts, don't get caught up in the mix 'cause the media is full of dirty tricks.  'Pac feels your pain!!  He's on your side!!  Still not convinced?  Here's a clip of Tupac showing you how he really feels about that dirty, liberal lamestream media.

"But, he prided himself in being a thug!  An outlaw!"  Sure did.  Look, I know he was pretty crazy, so holding some reserve about his character is reasonable.  He was an outlaw.  A rogue.  A maverick.  Rogue…maverick...man, that sure sounds familiar, but surely, nobody's ran for higher office by admitting a predisposition to go bat-shit crazy, and passing it off as a good thing, right?

Surely...

I know, you still have your doubts, but you guys claim to be the party of individual freedoms, and there was no greater ally to those than Tupac.  He was a famous supporter of the Second Amendment (sure loved his guns) in addition to being a steadfast capitalist; a vocal believer in the wisdom of the Free Market.  In his song "Bury Me A G", Tupac regales us in the chorus with the personal sacrifices he's made to ensure his economic success, like a true captain of industry: I ain't got time for bitches, gotta keep my mind on my mothafuckin' riches.

Still not convinced?  Tupac was even a job creator.  During the height of his success, he started a rap group called Outlaw Immortalz, comprised of himself and other lesser-known artists, whom he frequently featured in his own records.  See, in the Rap world, once you get rich, you take your boys with you - it's trickle-down economics at work!!  Why, Sir Reagan would be proud!

"See nigga?  I'm job creatin' - now lower my mothafuckin' taxes!"

For the most hawkish in the party of Lincoln, Tupac made it known that he was also strong on defense.  Take for instance, his track "Troublesome '96":  A born leada, never  leave the block without my heata.  Got me a dog,  named her my bitch-nigga-eata.  What could they do to me,  you little brat.  Shit, them niggas shot me and still terrified, I'll get their ass.  Definitely no defense budget cuts under President Makiavelli. 

"But he went to jail on sexual assault charges!"  OK, he did.  His culpability was always a matter of debate though.  It is possible that he was guilty, considering the misogyny of his lyrics and how boastful he was of his sexual bravado (another conservative plus - Tupac?  Not a homo), but it is also possible that he was set up due to his fame and fortune.  The point is, it's fairly reasonable to say that culpability aside, Tupac was convicted on mainly circumstantial evidence, exacerbated by his notoriety at the time.

Now take for instance, Herman Cain.  Here's a man that was accused repeatedly of sexual harassment and forced to admit two of those accusations were awarded financial settlements.  On top of that, it was also revealed that he may have had a thirteen-year extramarital affair; his alleged mistress actually releasing some fairly direct evidence of this.  At this point, any reasonable person would conclude that Herman had more than likely been up to some shit, and yet, this didn't stop a number of his most feverish followers from continuing to support him.  Hell, look at Newt Gingrich; a thrice-married, serial adulterer, now front-runner for the top ticket in the party of "family values."  Shit, he even signed a pledge making him some kind of "steward of marriage."  My point is, such is the nature of partisan lunacy.  It is accompanied by a healthy dose of denial.

So, to sum it up, my point is, this is why it's dangerous for any political party to put such a premium on ideological purity: because any cynical opportunist, any charlatan, any crazy asshole or just plain power-hungry sociopath can and will get far solely by saying all the right things, and many people that are wholly unfit for office can easily justify their presence solely by regurgitating talking points ad nauseam.  Politics are bad enough about this already without adding ridiculously unattainable standards of ideological purity.

I obviously do not really believe Tupac would have been a good President because a.) he's fucking dead and b.) he was a good rapper, nothing else.  The argument is, ideological purity can be found in anyone, if you tailor the angles correctly.  It's a recipe for en masse manipulation.

See this?  That's the face of a true Conservative.

Ode To Fancy B.

This here is Fancy Bitch.  Our Persian cat and the oldest of our four pets.  She's ten.  I love this picture because it tells you everything you need to know about her.

  

That being "don't fuck with me.  I will tear off your face and feed it to my turds."

I.  Will.  End.  You.

She's so mean and badass, she thinks Manowar are pussies.

Well fuck you too, cat.

Love you, Fancy cat.  Now stop crapping on the bed.  We'll get you a haircut soon.

Pssst...OWS - It's Also YOUR Fault!!

Recently, I had the opportunity to observe my city's Occupy Wall Street protest.  The cast of characters was a colorful if not somewhat predictable blend: a lot of average Joes, and a lot of iPhone wielding shaggy-haired, horn-rimmed glassed hippie types, sipping on free-trade coffee from local shops, seemingly decked out in Goodwill chic from head to toe.  You know...hipsters.

 I don't say this to trivialize the OWS' concerns.  I do find them a lot more valid and veritable than their de facto right wing counterparts, the Tea Party.  I'm just pointing out an obvious truth - OWS is full of hipsters.  That Venn diagram has only one circle.

Anyway, for the most part, I do sympathize with the movement.  I think corporate interests pretty much own the two major parties - albeit to different degrees.  I think taxes should be raised on the much-maligned 1% instead of balancing the budget on the backs of the middle class and the poor.  I'm also glad to see the left finally grow some balls and take it to the streets and get down and dirty with their concerns -- so long as they don't start matching the Tea Party in terms of idiocy.

But, there's a fundamental problem that I haven't seen these liberal progressives address.  One that is is crucial to discuss in order to ensure the viability, legitimacy and future success of the movement, and here it is: by and large, liberal progressives during the 2010 mid-term elections, stayed the fuck home.

Yes, OWS, I'm looking at you.  This is also your fault.  If you'd bothered to take part in deciding who was going to have control of Congress, the shit you're protesting now maybe wouldn't be an issue to begin with.  I cannot source anything because I am only finding discerning figures but the consensus is that the young vote - no small part in getting Obama elected so handily - dropped by roughly 60%.

Sixty.  Fucking. Percent.

Yes, OWS, the Tea Party won 2010 and they did it fair and square because you let them.  You got your guy in office then left him high-and-dry when he needed to maintain an amiable Congress to get shit done.  It's fairly inalienable, and I don't see any of the OWS spokespeople (as they've wisely avoided appointing a leader) addressing it.  Hell, I think it may even be a source of self-consciousness for its sympathizers.  Here's a Twitter exchange I recently had with a OWSer via Twitter.

This is my tweet...

...and this is her reply.

I have two issues with this: a.) this person is mocking my usage of Twitter when she in fact is using it more extensively (I was just tweeting, she was apparently looking for OWS-related posts, as she is not in my "Followers" list) and b.) it still does not address my argument - that liberal progressives did not vote in the mid-terms and allowed a Republican takeover of Congress, at a time when the party is more plutocratic than ever.

Listen, MisoSusanowaOWS - you can protest all you want, but you're not going to change shit in the end unless you vote.  I did.  I had to hold my nose and vote for Jack Conway, but only because Rand Paul was the alternative and writing in "Daffy Fucking Duck" wasn't pragmatic.  It's called "practicality" and your movement could use some of it.  A public display of rancor is absolutely irrelevant if you do not actually cast a ballot for your self-interests.  In this, you could learn a lot from the Tea Party.  They walk the walk.

So, OWS - liberal progressives, Democrats et al - just own up to it: you copped out.  You stayed home and let the other guys take the driver's seat.  Shit was so bad, you even lost some very symbolic seats to Republicans.  Hell, the only reason they didn't take the Senate was because people like Christine "I am not a witch" O'Donnell and Sharon Angle were so crazy that in a party with its share of nuts, they were basically this guy.  I'm glad you're speaking out but if you fail to address the root of the problem nothing is ever going to change.  Midterms are not fashionable but they're just as important because they basically decide how much shit the guy up top is going to be able to do. 

You must not forget, Obama inherited two wars, rising unemployment, an economic crisis second only to The Great Depression and an opposing party so rabid and visceral in its opposition they dedicated a sub-segment of its base to question the guy's legitimacy, all with an incredibly fickle liberal base to support him - and you're pissed because he hasn't passed a progressive agenda on top of that?  It's disingenuous.

OK you've mobilized.  You've inspired similar movements all over the world, and you definitely have Conservatives on the defensive.  All you have to do is follow through.  I know back in 2008 you were mostly trying to bag that cute bartender with the Neutral Milk Hotel tattoo by impressing her with your "progressive" values, but reactionary activism mostly has negative repercussions.  We are seeing that now.  So, get your shit in gear, get your ass out of bed and into your Volvo and fucking vote from now on.  Otherwise, this is just another phase in your seemingly never-ending search for an identity.  Like when you thought Architecture In Helsinki was tooooootally a better band than Sea Bear.

I believe that was last week.

Post-Racial GOP?

Herman Cain, explaining the finer points of his "Pull My Finger" economic policy.

As an avid follower of American politics, I have been paying very close attention to the Republican presidential primaries. I didn't back in 2007 because Democrats kind of stole all the thunder by having either the first female or African-American nominee, but also because in between Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Fred Thompson, Ron Paul and especially, John McCain, all of the GOP nominees had the magnetic personality of a drawer full of socks.

But these primaries are a different story altogether. Let's be frank; this shit is a circus. In between Donald Trump trolling the field, Bachmann and Perry's quick ascent and even quicker implosion, and Romney pretty much saying "look assholes, I know you're going to give me the nomination -- YOU know you're going to give me the nomination, so quit fucking around and do it already", I've been surprisingly entertained.

Which brings us to the political present - a fragment of time so fickle in the era of 24-hour news cycles that as I'm writing this blog entry (blog entries being the literary equivalent of an intellectual fart) the narrative is already changing. The race has had a lot of front-runners, no doubt, and who is currently in the lead? A 65 year-old black man by the name of Herman Cain.

Yup, the leading contender in the party of the, um, Tea Party, is a black dude. The Teabaggers (whom I call that because it took them like six months to figure out they were proudly announcing that they lick nut sacks in the name of all that is holy) are loving it because they feel absconded from being accused as racists, and by God, Cain pays them lip service every fucking chance he gets. The guy spews talking points with gusto, likability even. From using the "lower taxes for Job Creators" bit, to fiery anti-Liberal rants, to proposing an electrified fence that kills instantly on the US/Mexico border, to trivializing OWS protesters, his rhetoric is like a template on how to get by in a party that leans so far to the right it is literally moving backwards.

And, of course, the big hullabaloo is that Cain is black, Cain is leading the race, ergo the Tea Party is not racist, which I think is the really shallow absolution of a very valid and widely documented concern.  Here's the thing:  Cain is black (duh!) but he is also ideologically pure, which is paramount in today's Republican Party.  Now, I don't think the Tea Party is innately racist.  Disingenuous, yes, but not entirely racist.  I just think the modern GOP has a shoddier record in race relations.  Republicans are quick to point out that Democrats had Robert Byrd in their ranks; that Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice were appointed under a Republican administration; that the GOP was the party of Lincoln and that they are also the party of individual rights and small government, but that suggests ignoring the political re-alignment of the post-Civil Rights era.

But, I digress.  In the context of this race, the Tea Party sure had to go through its share of unelectable nuts before giving Cain some spotlight.  Seriously, every single Tea Party darling had to self-implode before the guy was given any momentum, and on the "Not-Romney" ticket at that.  He is being touted as an ideal Tea Party candidate but literally every other option had to fall through before he got any consideration.  Plus, unlike Perry, who skyrocketed to the top on the act of just announcing his candidacy, Cain has been in the race all along, and remained ideologically consistent.  Finally - and perhaps more importantly - his popularity still has to translate into tangible votes. In politics, you can have an avid fan base of dedicated supporters that will try to sell your ideas like a pair of pants made out of tits, and not.  Get.  Anywhere.  Just ask Ron Paul.

And, here's one more thing: Herman Cain, the so-called "post-racial" GOP candidate is a bigot himself.  His downright prejudiced statements towards Muslims are particularly shameful coming from a guy who was actually denied opportunities within his lifetime because of the color of his skin.  It is as if Cain, now as a member of the Christian majority, has decided to return the favor and treat Muslims the same way Jim Crow treated him, and look at an entire community with vitriolic mistrust and thriving within his party for it.  Furthermore, not a single one of his opponents has criticized him on his comments towards the Islamic community -- and we're expected to believe the GOP is all-inclusive now?  They've only picked a different boogeyman.

Introduction!

Hello.  Thanks for checking out the blog.  Wipe your feet, mind the dogs, blah blah blah…

I'm into traveling, music, politics, beer, guitars, graphic design, skating, heavy metal, my pets, pondering inanity, shoddy DIY home decoration and frying bacon in the nude.  I will write about each, with varying degrees of recurrence.

Thought I'd do a brief introduction before my first substantial post.  I should also be spicing up this layout in the (hopefully) near future.

Toodles!!

- Z