And Now, A Guest Entry From Newt Gingrich...

Hello America.  I'm Newton Leroy Gingrich.  Former Speaker Of The House.  Republican Presidential candidate.  Savior of civilization.  I am here today to re-introduce myself because, quite frankly,  I think you've forgotten about me, and who I really am.  See, I honestly believe that throughout my personal life and political career, I have left little to no doubt about the true nature of my character.  Who I am.  What I do.  What I really believe in.  Unfortunately, politics are a dirty business and as such, a lot of distortions, mischaracterizations and flat out lies have been disseminated about my person, and I am here to set that record straight.  So, without further ado, allow me to refresh your memory regarding who Newt Gingrich really is, straight from the source.

I'm an asshole, my fellow Americans. I am a huge, insufferable dick.

Quite frankly, I'm amazed that you forgot.  I've done a lot of shitty, questionable things in my life, to the extent that a lot of people consider me a sociopath.  Let's see, where do I even start? - I cheated on my first two wives.  That one always comes up.  Hell, I divorced my first wife while she was sick with cancer!  Pretty shitty, huh?  It gets better.  Throughout the Clinton impeachment, while I was persecuting Bill, being all publicly outraged and trying to unseat him over the Lewinsky affair…I was doing some fucking around of my own with one of my staffers!  Can.  You.  Get.  Any.  Shittier?

While yes I can!  I'm Newt fucking Gingrich!

I was also the first Speaker of the House to have to resign due to ethics violations.  I paid a $300,000 fine and regardless of what I may say, I resigned in disgrace, ousted by my own party.  I was so reviled, the House voted 395-28 to reprimand me!  Hell, if the House had to vote on whether they should get the clap or not, I bet at least 50 people would vote for it, just to see if they'd get it from a hot chick.  That's how shitty I was.

Slightly more popular?  Chlamydia trachomatis.

By the end of my speakership, people thought so poorly of me that it was widely believed that I shut down the government because I didn't get a good enough seat on Air Force One!  To be honest, I don't know the extent of my own dickishness, so I'm not sure if this is true.  But yeah, probably.

Yeah, I wouldn't put it past me.

America, I am, by all accounts, kind of a bad person.  So, why am I compelled to all of a sudden remind you of this?

Because some of you out there, either out of spite, gullibility, or both, think that I should still be President of the United States.  South Carolina, I'm look right fucking at you.  Seriously, let me break it down for you, why this is a bad fucking idea, OK?  First of all, let's be practical here:  I probably can't win.  I don't have the money, the organization, or the appeal to win the nomination, let alone a general election.  That Mormon asshole just handed me my fat ass in Florida, and I promised them a fucking lunar colony!  Nevada, Michigan and Massachusetts are not looking too good either so I'm sure that any day now, the GOP brass is going to start pressuring me to drop out.  Be a good sport, they'll say, for the sake of party unity.  Well fuck that!  I'm riding this all the way to the convention, I don't care if it splinters the party and effectively hands the black guy his second term.  I'm Newt fucking Gingrich!  My name literally means "toad" but I'm the fucking scorpion in this fairy tale!

You like that?  Just came up with it myself.

Don't let my half-assed mea culpas or disingenuous cries of foul play over negative campaigning fool you.  This is what I do.  I'm a cynical bastard.  I have no discernible values other than an insatiable lust for power and influence.  I don't understand why this is so hard, particularly for "family values" people to see.  It still makes me laugh that all I have to do to get the Jesus freaks to like me is pay them some lip service, hate on the queers a little bit, and sign a politically expedient albeit completely arbitrary family values "contract", promising not to cheat on my current wife, appointing me as some kind of "stewart" of marriage!  Me!  A twice-divorced serial adulterer!

Even if I could keep little Newt in my pants, I've had three religious denominations in my lifetime.  THREE!  I've had as many religions as I've had wives!  That's how little religious faith actually means to me; I can just switch it around whenever I feel like it.  And you know what's funny?  That hasn't even come up in the campaign!

Now, liberals like to say that I'm a "racist" because I've said a racially insensitive thing or two here and there, but let me clear that up for you.  I'm not a racist.  I'm a misanthrope.  I fucking hate everybody.  I only really love me, and even then, there are some days where I go "man, I kind of fucking suck" which is why I occasionally apologize for being such an ass.

To be honest though, while I was reading this, all I could think about was brown pussy and tacos.

See, America, my entire presidential campaign is based on dishonesty.  I'm like the guy who got fired from his job for really sucking at it, but is now back asking for a promotion.  Do I need to remind you that at the beginning of this campaign, my entire staff quit?  How was that not a red flag?  I am currently running as a "Washington outsider" but I was Speaker of the House!  I was the architect of the Republican super-majority of the 90s.  I am fucking Washington!  I even have the balls to tell you that I am technically not a lobbyist, even though I was a consultant for Freddie Mac, on their payroll, influencing policy.  Attack politics?  I wrote the manual on that shit, so it's hilarious for me to complain about it when they're used on me.  I thrive by preying on your fears, insecurities and prejudices.  This is why my only hope for victory is that you hate Mormons to the point where you can look past my sleaziness and hypocrisy.  In short, I'm the smarmy politician that does well by appealing to the worst in human nature, which is why I just need to go the fuck away.

Damn, even Rush Limbaugh asked me to cool it.  I made Rush Limbaugh sound reasonable.  Take a minute to soak that in.  Even my so-called "supporters" know that the main reason to vote for me is to stick it to the libs!  I am that much of a dick.

Gee.  Thanks for nothing, sugar tits.

Okay, America.  This is getting kind of long, but I am a windbag, and I want to make sure you get the point.  See, the viability of my candidacy is a shameful reflection of a team-sports political consciousness, in which it is perfectly OK to vote for a bitter old dickhead like me, who brings absolutely nothing of value to the table, as long as the party wins.  I'm not just a shitty candidate; I'm also a shitty human being.  You know this; it's how I've always been.  Don't expect me to be civilized or sensible, because that's not just me.  I'll sink the party; hell, I'll sink the whole fucking country to get my way - my hugely overblown sense of entitlement is that big!  I'm going to press on, trolling Romney just because I can and the truth is, with all of my dickish behavior over the past two decades, if you genuinely believe that I'm the absolute best choice for President, you're probably an asshole too.

So, my fellow Americans, let this be a reminder that I am indeed a dick, so please don't be surprised or outraged if I act accordingly.  You know how when you first read that I was running for President, a lot of you said "you gotta be fucking kidding me?"  Yup.  Should have left it that way.  You validated my aspirations with a primary win, and even though I'm running on pure ego right now, I've still got the potential to fuck it up for everybody.  And I probably will!

Love,

Newt.