If you ask me, 2011 belonged to the Troll. The instigator. One who deliberately stirs shit with others either for attention, or for kicks. "Trolling" - the act of being a dick just because you can - is primarily reserved for describing Internet message board motherfuckery, but I find it to be rather useful for also summarizing the state of our cultural and political zeitgeist. Without a doubt, life has always been full of insufferable pricks, but I can't remember a time when so many trolls occupied so many different positions of prominence, filling our political landscape with a weapons-grade amount of cognitive dissonance and plain ole' bullshit.
This is a list of my favorite trolls of 2011.
Rod Blagojevich: After getting caught on tape trying to sell Obama's vacated Senate seat not only did he have the balls to maintain his innocence, evidence be damned, he even aspired to be some kind of Reality TV star in an incredibly misguided attempt to vindicate his image. As a matter of fact, the guy had a very cavalier, who-gives-a-shit attitude towards his whole indictment. Karma is a vengeful bitch, however, and Blago got slammed with 14 years in federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison for corruption charges, his begging for clemency the only time he exhibited any kind of humility during the whole thing.
Jon Kyl: The Arizona Senator is the unwitting author of what is perhaps the year's greatest Twitter hash tag - #notintendedtobeafactualstatement. Making a ridiculous claim about Planned Parenthood on the Senate floor no less, only to have your staff recant your gaffe by saying you were basically just fucking around? Trolltastic! And did I mention this was during a vote on Planned Parenthood funding? I sure hope this kind of distortion didn't cost anybody their jobs.
Anthony Weiner: Penis. Sending unsolicited pictures of your dong, pitching tent, to random women on Twitter is already a dick move, but when your last name is actually "Weiner", you have a pregnant wife, and you're a sitting US Congressman, then that makes you one of the year's greatest cocks. Penis. Bonus points for not only denying the whole thing by basically stating you don't know what your dick looks like, and generally just being a dick, but also for publicly apologizing to professional troll and faux-outrage Svengali, Andrew Breitbart. Penis.
John Edwards: Cheating on your wife makes you a complete asshole. Cheating on your wife while she is battling cancer, knocking up your mistress in the process and coercing one of your aides to cover your ass by having him say it's actually his baby, all when you're running for the Presidency, is firmly in "sociopath" territory. The disgraced Democrat kept a low profile during 2011, except to refuse to stand trial for perjury charges by citing an "undisclosed medical condition". It's not much by itself, but it reminded me of his absolutely epic trolling, so in my opinion, he absolutely deserves a retroactive spot.
Kim Kardashian: If you ask me, this entire family is trolling, but Kim deserves the salient nod. She famously pocketed millions by whoring out her wedding to sponsors, only to file for divorce 72 days later and sending every Star Magazine reader into a hilarious, Twinkie-fueled catatonic rage, though I guess it could just be diabetic comma. At least her joke-of-a-marriage provided equality supporters with eloquently beautiful arguments for their cause.
Lindsay Lohan: Lots of people break the law for kicks, but Lindsay has made that shit an art form, as she once again spent more time in court than at a movie studio. She could literally go on a cocaine bender, get in her luxury SUV with a dead hooker in the trunk, and mow down a group of handicapped children taking sick puppies to the vet, and she'd still avoid jail due to "overcrowding". And what's even more pathetic than her endless supply of free passes from Johnny Law? Her laughable attempts to pretend she still has a career. That, and her meth teeth.
Herman Cain: Man, when was Black Chocolate Walnut NOT trolling? By now, is there any doubt that his amateurishly ran campaign was more of a shameless plug for the "Cain Brand" rather than a serious presidential bid? Sexual harassment accusations? Look at all the women I didn't harass! Foreign policy? I don't know shit, but it's all good! Serious concession speech? How about some quotes from the Pokemon movie? Hats off to Hermie. His idiosyncratic ridiculousness is sorely missed.
Debate Audiences: Cheering on Rick Perry's shockingly high record of executions in TX that could have included innocent people. Booing gay soldiers. Calling for a hypothetically ailing uninsured patient to "let him die". Where the fuck do you find these people, so that I never, ever go there?
Sarah Palin: No troll list is complete without the Momma Grizzly's antics, and though her highly publicized bus tour was pretty troll-e-rrific, none was worse than the stunt her PAC pulled off for monetary donations. Over the summer, SarahPAC sent out a letter to her supporters stating that while she was still deciding on a presidential bid, their contributions were needed as a sign of encouragement for her to run. The thing is, a few weeks prior, Bristol Palin had stated on FOX News that the family was already aware of her decision but some things were "best kept in the family". Basically, Sarah Palin knew all along that she wasn't going to run, but capitalized on the hype around her "indecision" by asking for donations for a presidential campaign that she never intended to launch anyway! Damn. I'd call it a brilliant troll but when it comes to Sarah Palin, you're sort of grading on a curve.
This isn't the first time Trump has stirred up controversy by hinting at a presidential run; he's flirted with the notion as a Democrat, a Republican and now an Independent. What is notable is how much of a troll he was about it. For one, he played some weird sort of populist angle, even though here's a guy that probably has his unicorn steaks hand-cut and delivered by Miss Universe contestants. He also trumped (ha!) his business acumen as qualification for office, except for the fact that he inherited his wealth and his business endeavors are marred by a string of bankruptcies. Worst of all, he happily engaged in birtherism; a position that even crazy-ass Michelle Bachmann was reluctant to take up in her campaign. He made Michelle Bachmann look reasonable. Now THAT'S trolling.
Of course, nothing is better than trolling a troll, and in Trump's case, Schadenfreude was a dish best served at the White House Correspondent's dinner, which he attended as a guest of the Washington Post. Somewhere on earth, there is a guy getting a combination root canal/enema having a better time than Trump did at that dinner. Furthermore, the very next evening, Obama interrupted the season finale of The Apprentice (the show Trump was probably plugging with his ridiculous half-bid) with the announcement of the death of Bin Laden. Epic.
Trump did kindly STFU for a few months, but he's recently resurfaced to attempt to host a presidential debate that even Ron Paul - the guy who debates Obama impersonators - was too dignified to attend, and to announce he wants to run as an Independent, proving you just can't keep a good troll down.
AND Speaking of Michelle Bachmann...
Michelle Bachmann: No other high-profile politician has as tumultuous of a relationship with the truth as Michelle Bachmann. She has proved that in the fighting ring of politics, she is more of an enraged street brawler, flailing wildly when backed into a corner, hoping that something connects, rather than an actual trained fighter. She is either incredibly cynical (therefore willing to say whatever) and highly undisciplined, or just plain fucking nuts. I honestly cannot think of more suitable explanations for her seemingly complete disconnect from reality.
Yes, I'm going to take the lazy way out and post a Google search link because she's said everything from claiming that the HPV vaccine causes mental retardation to stating that carbon dioxide is not a harmful gas and China is "blinding our satellites with lasers." No, seriously. The amount of crazy shit that comes out of this woman's mouth is un-fucking-believable. And she sits on the House Intelligence Committee. Intelligence. Feel free to weep for our Nation.
Even as her campaign was completely imploding and her history of gaffes was incredibly well documented, she had the proverbial balls to claim she's "never had a gaffe" and was experiencing a "groundswell of support", neither of which was even remotely close to the truth. I suspected she would do poorly in Iowa, and any campaigning she would have done after that would have been just plain embarrassing, but here goes to you, Michelle Bachmann, my personal pick for troll of 2011.
This is a list of my favorite trolls of 2011.
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| "I'm...fucked" |
Jon Kyl: The Arizona Senator is the unwitting author of what is perhaps the year's greatest Twitter hash tag - #notintendedtobeafactualstatement. Making a ridiculous claim about Planned Parenthood on the Senate floor no less, only to have your staff recant your gaffe by saying you were basically just fucking around? Trolltastic! And did I mention this was during a vote on Planned Parenthood funding? I sure hope this kind of distortion didn't cost anybody their jobs.
Anthony Weiner: Penis. Sending unsolicited pictures of your dong, pitching tent, to random women on Twitter is already a dick move, but when your last name is actually "Weiner", you have a pregnant wife, and you're a sitting US Congressman, then that makes you one of the year's greatest cocks. Penis. Bonus points for not only denying the whole thing by basically stating you don't know what your dick looks like, and generally just being a dick, but also for publicly apologizing to professional troll and faux-outrage Svengali, Andrew Breitbart. Penis.
John Edwards: Cheating on your wife makes you a complete asshole. Cheating on your wife while she is battling cancer, knocking up your mistress in the process and coercing one of your aides to cover your ass by having him say it's actually his baby, all when you're running for the Presidency, is firmly in "sociopath" territory. The disgraced Democrat kept a low profile during 2011, except to refuse to stand trial for perjury charges by citing an "undisclosed medical condition". It's not much by itself, but it reminded me of his absolutely epic trolling, so in my opinion, he absolutely deserves a retroactive spot.
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| "Oh hey guys! What's going on?" |
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| AAGGHHH!!! |
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| Trolled ya, bitches! |
Debate Audiences: Cheering on Rick Perry's shockingly high record of executions in TX that could have included innocent people. Booing gay soldiers. Calling for a hypothetically ailing uninsured patient to "let him die". Where the fuck do you find these people, so that I never, ever go there?
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| Took the money. Didn't run. |
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| He should just run as an Oompa Loompa. |
Donald Trump: Considering that lately the guy hasn't edified anything more famous than his enormous ego, Trump's most remarkable accomplishment seems to be coating himself with the same kind of "asshole Teflon" as Charlie Sheen. Meaning, no matter how ridiculous the publicity stunt, it doesn't reflect negatively on the guy because you have come to expect it.
This isn't the first time Trump has stirred up controversy by hinting at a presidential run; he's flirted with the notion as a Democrat, a Republican and now an Independent. What is notable is how much of a troll he was about it. For one, he played some weird sort of populist angle, even though here's a guy that probably has his unicorn steaks hand-cut and delivered by Miss Universe contestants. He also trumped (ha!) his business acumen as qualification for office, except for the fact that he inherited his wealth and his business endeavors are marred by a string of bankruptcies. Worst of all, he happily engaged in birtherism; a position that even crazy-ass Michelle Bachmann was reluctant to take up in her campaign. He made Michelle Bachmann look reasonable. Now THAT'S trolling.
Of course, nothing is better than trolling a troll, and in Trump's case, Schadenfreude was a dish best served at the White House Correspondent's dinner, which he attended as a guest of the Washington Post. Somewhere on earth, there is a guy getting a combination root canal/enema having a better time than Trump did at that dinner. Furthermore, the very next evening, Obama interrupted the season finale of The Apprentice (the show Trump was probably plugging with his ridiculous half-bid) with the announcement of the death of Bin Laden. Epic.
Trump did kindly STFU for a few months, but he's recently resurfaced to attempt to host a presidential debate that even Ron Paul - the guy who debates Obama impersonators - was too dignified to attend, and to announce he wants to run as an Independent, proving you just can't keep a good troll down.
AND Speaking of Michelle Bachmann...
...Troll Of The Year goes to...
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| How's this for trolling? A newspaper actually printed this. |
Yes, I'm going to take the lazy way out and post a Google search link because she's said everything from claiming that the HPV vaccine causes mental retardation to stating that carbon dioxide is not a harmful gas and China is "blinding our satellites with lasers." No, seriously. The amount of crazy shit that comes out of this woman's mouth is un-fucking-believable. And she sits on the House Intelligence Committee. Intelligence. Feel free to weep for our Nation.
Even as her campaign was completely imploding and her history of gaffes was incredibly well documented, she had the proverbial balls to claim she's "never had a gaffe" and was experiencing a "groundswell of support", neither of which was even remotely close to the truth. I suspected she would do poorly in Iowa, and any campaigning she would have done after that would have been just plain embarrassing, but here goes to you, Michelle Bachmann, my personal pick for troll of 2011.
